where is my mind?

see you next year.

this has been the craziest shit year.

started with kims breakup with chris and both hers and my emotional deterioration. her being sick all the time from lack of sleep and her nerve problems and feeling dizzy and losing feeling and her panic attacks and us hating life and everyone and wanting to go live on a mountain away from life. the stress and wanting to give up on school and wanting to get away to college and things. and then valentines day kim was sick and our single ladies day was cancelled and mike took kim out and andrew talked to me and i got really excited and then he gave me the wrong number because hes dumb and then i asked kim if it was right and then she told him and he gave me the right number and we talked all night the next night and played twenty questions and then i got nervous about talking to him and decided to talk to brett who decided to facebook chat me every day that vacation and then we didnt talk as much during school but andrew kept talking to me every day and then i didnt like him that way and he wanted to come to lunch when he had math to see me every day and mike asked kim out and roberto was disappointed and i discovered tumblr and phil yelled at me for talking to andrew and i told danielle everything and kaitlin and nick disapproved and then he got a girlfriend and i got scared hed never talk to me again and then we started talking and i realized i liked him and we flirted until prom when he promised to dance with me and things with karlynn were bad and mike broke up with kim a few weeks before prom and he was a jerk and she was sad and i went to prom with roberto and kim danced with him all night and andrew danced with me even though he had a date who i found out later had been avoiding him anyway except she came to say goodbye to him while we were slow dancing and it was awkward and then we had a great prom except for kelly who was crying and i didnt even know and there was drama and then the next day we went to the city and kaitlin didnt come and and karlynn did and we had a great time and i texted andrew from kims phone all day and then the next day only kim karlynn and i wanted to go to the beach and things with karlynn were good again and kim made me invite andrew and i found out he was single and so we went to the beach and we cuddled and then he came with me to the pops concert and thats when i had my first kiss and then i invited him to the bonfire and laura interrogated him and he asked me out and we went out for a month and a half and i was just really happy and life was good and i was oblivious to life around me but not really and things started being off with karlynn again and caitlyn and her were always ditching us and then he almost broke up with me in a text but not really and we fought all week and shit went down so then i broke up with him and karlynn stopped talking to me after that and caitlyn was really nice to me except after relay for life when she told me all about matt before she told kristin she stopped talking to me and was pretty much gone or busy all summer and i became really close with jess and matt even though at the time we all pretended to hate matt and laura and jen fought a bunch of times so i got close with laura and all i did on my days off was lay in bed and cry or sleep or go on tumblr unless kim forced me to go out and have fun and i got really close to kelly and helped her through her kaitlin problems and then i got over andrew and liked a couple guys and my summer was still useless and then at the end of the summer i tried to see caitlyn but i only managed to see her just before she left and she only called once after she left for college and i didnt want the summer to end because it started to get good but i puzzled over the day at caitlyns a lot and then the last day of summer was crazy and i found out about my moms cancer and my grandma was in the hospital forever and i was sick for the first time since fifth grade and im so glad and i met some great people on tumblr and am so glad i got to talk to janet and damon and like just all my followers and everyone i talk to on here now and then school started and i hated it until the senior freedoms kicked in and we were alive and happy and work ended and i missed matt and jess so badly and matt got awkward and i was worried he would stop talking to me but now we talk more than ever but then i got really sad and had a mental breakdown and then things with mom started up and her surgeries and then the fair came and i was happy again and the whole ordeal with andrew was yes and no and emotional troubles as usual and then i loved everyone and decided i dont want high school to end and i went to pilgrim with genny and halloween came and there was drama and kelly and kaitlin had more issues and there was a big blowout and then there were haunted houses with peter and playcrafters was amazing and i just loved everyone and then i started talking to andrew again for real and things were nice but then they started to go back to blah and then my birthday was great and then kim asked if andrew liked me and he said no and i got upset but then i decided i dont care except then i got really stressed with school and started slacking and college and things are getting shit again and im ruining myself but i got college acceptances and my license now and i might get a car and texting eventually and a job soon and so this is a great time to start a new year. just so much happened. ive been wrecked and all over the map with life. everything important that has ever happened to me has happened this year or maybe a thing or two in tenth and eleventh grade. i mean ive gotten so super close with saniya and rachel and genny and kelly and jill and i are close again. and ive got nick and matt and kim and now i have victoria and katie and erica. and things with kaitlin are good and now shes going out with ryan and theyre cute and genny has a boyfriend and im so happy for her and i love kristine and all the great people im becoming friends with this year and life is just wow and i even still talk to karlynn sometimes which is weird but were ok i think. but this has been the craziest year of my life. what a year.

my most ‘what the fuck was i thinking’ ex.

ha. haha. yeah.

what im scared of and why.

im scared of never being happy. not living a full life. being alone. those are the three most important things in life. and so far ive done a crappy job of keeping them. well the happy part wasnt an issue until the last year or so. but ive been alone and living a pretty boring shitty life for like ever. im afraid that will never change.

that sort of thing.

five least favorite people and why.

1. some guy. i hate that youre really dumb. if you were a normal person we wouldnt have these problems. that and youre such a liar. ill decide to be upfront about things and you still play little games and play stupid like you dont know. thats a joke. i hate that i wasted my time when i couldve been doing something better.

2.  some girl. i dont even really care about you anymore. i just look at you and get really disgusted. youre really fake and youre another one who cant just say what you mean. youre certainly not stupid although who knows with how youve changed since we stopped being close.

3. some girl. i hate that you just let go. everything was fine and if it werent for some girl ^ you and i would have been fine. its not like anything was wrong but you just follow her now dont you. you promised nothing would change and you were freaking out and i was the one who was there. you never even tried and i cant forgive you for that.

4. some guy. thanks for not being there. i relied on you. maybe i shouldnt have but i did. i mean youre there but really you arent. i dont even know. i dont even really dislike you. just yeah.

i cant think of anyone else. you have to do a hell of a lot to be on this list.

ten favorite people right now and why. in no order.

1. kim. shes the best friend ive ever had and i love her.

2. rachel. because i love her and shes so great to talk to about anything.

3. genny. because she gives great advice and understands the best.

4. saniya. because shes the sweetest and secretly the funniest.

5. nicholas. because hes nicholas.

6. matthew. because hes great and he lets me rant and always cheers me up.

7. katie. because she is sweet and has helped me through so much.

8. erica. because she has also helped me through so much.

9. kaitlin. because she and i are getting close again.

10. kelly. because she is my voice of reason.

time when i was happiest.

id have to say mid april to may. first boyfriend. prom weekend. i was happy for the first time since the beginning of the school year. and i never even expected it. i saw no end to how i was before until that.

that or october/novemberish is a close second. i was happy again after the summer. everything was perfect. the fair. all my friends. going out having fun all the time. everyone was happy. halloween. haunted houses. new friends. getting closer with matty. perfect plans. lots of options. playcrafters.

a time id rather forget.

hmm. i dont know about rather forget. times i wish never happened maybe. but if it happened i dont want to forget it. so no.

something im self conscious about.

pretty much everything. but mostly how others think of me. my whole self image as seen by others. i try to not appear to be something im not. which is hard to do if someone doesnt know me. i worry about first judgements a lot because you cant know me and first judgements scare off a lot of people. like im quiet normally around people i dont know and so people dont really talk to me if they dont know me. like i always worry if someone thinks im stuck up or weird or annoying or dumb or what.

how im different on tumblr from in real life.

there isnt a huge difference. im definitely more open here. but in real life if i trust someone ill just about tell them anything. in fact thinking of my posts recently im probably more open with friends in person than ive been on here. but only recently. im getting really cautious about what i say and who reads it because i dont want to say too much to the people who know me that i dont tell things to. but here i know that whatever i say no one will judge me. its like once you log on to tumblr youre safe. you can be as weird as you want and someone somewhere will agree with you. i guess it varies.

followlorenaon:

Because:

• I don’t want to be a bother to you.
• I don’t want to feel like I’m annoying you.
• I don’t like anticipating for your reply & waiting forever.
• I don’t want to be interrupting you if you’re busy.
• I don’t want to wake you up.
• I don’t want you to think I’m some clingy ass person.
• Because if someone wants to talk to me, they would.

lynettemofukka:

Same shit, different setting.

danadisasterr:

It would totally be done and rearranged already.

this. right now.

confess anything youve ever wanted to say in my ask box.

i mean its all over peoples facebook statuses and its probably really dumb but im genuinely curious what people have to say.

you failed to see that i am not your shadow i can be more i can keep up with its pace what if i didnt forget passion like you did what if i find my purpose first what if you counting on my failure made me live not scared without you i wouldnt be where i am what if i took back my lost time if you see me again you wont know my face but youll recall my heart inside of me a side of you is placed when i see you again i wont be bitter youre so far to blame youre part of this change  i knew so much of you i wont ever be the same.